12/05/2016 12:14 AM

So I’ve been pretty depressed for awhile. Bored, nothing is satisfying. Like nothing at all. I’ve thought about maybe setting up an appointment to see my therapist, but why? He isn’t going to tell me anything I don’t already know. And I don’t know how to express how I’m feeling lately. I daydream about going back to the gym, and giving up smoking again, but I just can’t find the motivation to do it. I don’t know how to steer myself anymore. I feel like I’m stuck in place, and I there isn’t anywhere to go anyways. I’m lost.


12/02/2016 10:04 PM

One of our kittens, Lilly, went with an elderly couple yesterday. I guess they wanted some companionship, a pet. And I have to say, they picked the right one. Lilly is so sweet and cuddly all the time, always purring. I guess her husband had 3 strokes and said he wanted a cat for his lap when he’s sitting in his wheel chair. I was sad to see Lilly go, but I know those folks will give her a good home. So that’s one kitten out the door. Now there’s three left. Well, really only one. Mom’s keeping the calico, and me and megan want the male for our bedroom. That only leaves the black and orange female kitten, whom we named Midnight. She’s the wildest of the litter, always picking fights with her siblings. I imagine Midnight would be great out on a farm, chasing mice in barns, running around and being wild.

I’m feeling so underwhelmed and unsatisfied with everything lately. Not even a new video game is holding my interest anymore. The selection of movies on netflix seem sucky, and music is kind of looking mediocre as well. I mean, I have tons of CDs, but I’m bored with them. I have a PS4, but I’m bored with it too. But I still use them, day after day, pretending that they’re still fulfilling me, when in truth, they aren’t. I mean, what do I do? I don’t know how to tell my wife about it, because honestly, I don’t want to put her in a position to give an answer that she doesn’t have. How would I even tell her? “Hey babe, I’m bored to shit of everything and I’m not sure what to do about it, what should I do?” I wouldn’t have an answer for me either. I’m unsatisfied with things. Tough shit, Chad. Life is bullshit, you should know this by now. Shut up, listen to your music, play your games, take your pills, and go to bed. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

11/28/2016 10:15 PM

Ugh. I’ve been so up and down today. I feel sad, groggy, depressed. Could be the weather I suppose. It’s cold, wet, rainy and gloomy. Smoking like a chimney. Bored. Easily irritated. I really don’t like feeling this way.

I’m maxed out on vistral today. I just took my Melatonin and Buspirone for the night. Pills pills pills. Does it make a difference? I don’t know anymore. I wish there was a way out of this mind frame. A cure for depression? I must be out of my mind. An end to the endless war I wage against my condition? There’s just more war tomorrow. “But that makes you appreciate the good days more” some people will say. Get the fuck outta here. That’s crap and you know it. Who the hell wouldn’t take more good days over the bad ones? I’m trying to get through the night. I’m feeling pretty awful right now. And I don’t even know why! Christ. I’m 30 years old. I should have a better grip on these things by now. Will it be this way forever, or am I a late bloomer or something?

I got the music on right now. Listening to Lex The Hex Master’s new Contact album. And after I’m done with this entry, I’m probably just going to play some video games or watch some YouTube videos. Doing what I do to ignore the hurricane that roars within my skull on a daily basis.

11/24/2016 4:10 PM

What a great day this has been. I’ve always loved Thanksgiving for the unity & peace it brings every year. Last year’s was good, this year’s was even better.

I woke up kind of woozy this morning from all the vistral I took yesterday. Yesterday was wasn’t very good at all. So anyways, I get woken up around 9 AM this morning by Mom knocking on me and Megan’s bedroom door, asking for a fan. “A fan?” I asked groggily. Then I walked out into the living room to see a huge cloud of smoke filling the house. “Nothing’s burning” my Mom quickly told me, “but some of the juice from the turkey boiled over in the oven”. So I set the fan up in the kitchen, and pointed it out towards the window. Then I grabbed a towel from the bathroom, opened the front door of the house and started redirecting the smoke out the door. Mom was so pleased that I helped clear out all the smoke, she bought me a pack of cigarettes to say thank you. “You didn’t have to do that” I told her. “Well I really appreciated your help with that. I’ve been so busy this morning cooking the turkey and everything else. I needed help”. “Well that’s what I’m here for Mom” I said, “That’s what family does for each other”.

Since I was up now, I figured I’d go downstairs and listen to some music and watch YouTube. I was jamming out, playing video games and having a good time. Everyone was in a good mood, and I was definitely feeling the vibes from it.

Thanksgiving dinner was served around 3 in the afternoon, like it always is in our family. And I was feeling so good, I actually suggested saying grace. I don’t frequently pray, but I felt today truly was a blessing, and I wanted to give thanks for it. I don’t know any official prayers or anything like that, so I just spoke from the heart. I thanked the lord for the food, and for bringing us together as a family, and sharing this meal and holiday together. Because my wife and my mom are the two most important people to me in the world, and nothing brings me more joy than seeing us all getting along and laughing together sitting at the dinner table. Today was a blessing, a memory I won’t let go of anytime soon.

After that awesome feast, I smoked a cigarette and then me and Megan fell asleep on the couch all cuddled up together watching The Simpsons on TV. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all have a great night!


11/23/2016 10:37 AM

I hate being pressured into leaving the house. Our worker is supposed to be picking me and Megan up today for a group activity with other clients. I don’t want to go, but Megan does. So god forbid if I have a preference on what I want to do today. Which is NOT leave the house, AVOID human contact, and to be left ALONE. That’s what I want today.

And one of our older cats Callie, is hissing and swinging at the kittens, so I have to break that up, because these kittens are not old enough to defend themselves yet. My Mother put an ad in the local newspaper, advertising free kittens to go to a good home, but no one’s called yet.

And not too long after breaking up the cat fight, Megan slipped on the stairs, and hurt her ankle. “Oh my god” I thought. “It’s only morning and this place is already a madhouse”. So I helped Megan get back into bed, put her ankle up, gave her two pain relievers, and made an ice pack out of ice cubes and an empty bread sack and put it on her ankle.

Then after Megan was taken care of, I walked out into the living room to see that the chain on our front door was missing the latch. “For fuck’s sake, what else?!” I yelled out loud. My Mom saw that I was getting overwhelmed, and she said that I need to go relax and calm down. “These things aren’t worth getting upset over” she said. “I know” I said, “But I can’t help it, I hate when everything-” and she cut me off because she probably knew already what I was going to say. “I know you do Chad. But don’t get all worked up over piddly things”. But however, I did still find a way to lock our front door, and it locks really sturdy even without the chain. Because for awhile, it seemed like it wouldn’t lock. So that chain latch was our only means of having a locked door. Turns out, all you have to do is pull the door up by the knob, and you hear that click sound and it’s locked.

So I’ve had a pretty eventful morning. I’m now just going to chill in the mancave and play video games. Maybe I’ll post a new video and share it here.

11/22/2016 5:29 PM

I’m always wiped out after going somewhere. My wife Megan had an appointment with our     worker who is helping her get started on a career path. Megan wants to try to be a teacher’s assistant for disabled children. I’m making sure to give her the support she needs, because I am actually very proud of her for making an effort to do something she believes she can do. Whether she goes through with it or not, does not matter. She’s trying out the waters, see. And that means she looking for something, trying to find it. If she’s trying, that’s a victory. It is important to praise her for that.

So anyways, while Megan was filling out papers and whatnot, I walked around the town square and ran some errands for my Mom. She needed a couple bags of tobacco and cigarette tubes (she rolls her own). And then I made my way to the dry cleaners to pick my puffer vest and winter coat up, because the zippers had been busted on both for awhile, and it’s starting to get really really cold outside now, and I’m going to need them. The walk around the square was chilly and wet, but I enjoyed showing off my new Lex The Hex Master hoodie I got from twiztidshop.com a day or so ago.

I’ve only smoked two cigarettes today. Just two. And that’s a huge improvement from the typical 15-16 I usually smoke everyday. I don’t want to quit completely, because I do enjoy a good smoke.  But I want to definitely cut back big time. I’m talking maybe 4-5 cigarettes a day from now on. But see thing is, stress. Anxiety and depression. Two conditions which I suffer from. And when those things get kicked into high gear, all I want to do is hide away and smoke like a chimney in winter time. I also suffer from borderline personality disorder, and PTSD. And those are just added to the recipe of chaos that tornadoes it’s way through my head on a daily basis. It’s not always severe through. It’ll feel like I have it under control for a few months, and I’ll make progress on myself during that time like going to the gym once a week, drinking water instead of pop, etc. But after I have a couple of good months, it feels like it was just a phase that has run its course, and it’s back to the default mindset of hiding away from the world because it’s cold and cruel and littered with cheaters and liars with no remorse for the people they hurt. I am a very up and down person.

In the last few months, it felt like my anxiety was at an all time high, with no particular reason why; the tiniest things would put me on edge. So that’s when I realized that maybe my anxiety is a much bigger problem than I thought. So my psychiatrist prescribed me a new medicine, called Buspirone, and I take it twice a day. I think it helps. Megan seems to think so. I don’t feel as on edge all the time like I used to, so maybe it is working?  Only thing I don’t like is that with this new medicine, it brings the grand total of pills I take a day up to 3 and a half. I take one and a half pills of zoloft everyday (150 mg), can take up to 75 mg of vistral a day but just one usually unless I’m really stressed out, and now Buspirone 5 mg pills. But I think I’m going to ask my psychiatrist if we can increase the Buspirone, because even though I’m not as on edge, I still wonder if it can get better.

Well, Smackdown Live is on soon. Should be good tonight.


11/21/2016 11:30 PM

Okay. First entry. I just wanted to officially get this ball rolling.

Work has officially started on my 4th book of poetry, but it’s no where near done. It’s definitely going to have a much more somber tone than my last book, the angry and rabid “Exploding Transistor”. This 4th book will be a confession of silent surrender, and knowing when not to engage the complexities of life. Okay that should give you a hint of where I’ll be going with my next book.

It’s finally getting cold here in Iowa. I know alot of people were enjoying those 70 degree temperatures we were having about a week ago, but that just isn’t healthy weather for Iowa. Yeah, year around sunny weather is nice, but that’s what California and Florida is for. Here in Iowa, it gets cold. And if winter weather were to ever just give Iowa a miss completely, it would be time to worry. Everyone else would love it, I’d be sitting on the porch like, “This isn’t good”.

In my gaming universe, I’m closing in on the platinum trophy for Dead Rising 2. This “Better With a Friend” trophy is particularly difficult because it requires the cooperation of other people! (GASP) DUN DUN DUN! But overall, this is a tough platinum.

Anyways, it’s late.