01/25/2017 8:57 AM

Up kind of early this morning. I only slept for six hours, but I just felt awake. And here I am, sitting in this chair, playing potfarm on facebook, listening to music, just thinking. Or trying not to think. Thinking too much is my problem. Doesn’t help my depression to dwell on things past, but it gets hard to not think about them when those things have changed your life so much. I guess the other day I went on a rant in front of my mom and wife, and they saw that I wasn’t feeling too good. You know what cheered me up? A bag of fucking Doritos. Ha. And just venting my frustrations helped too.

Recently though, I had bloodwork done. Apparently, I have a Vitamin D efficiency. According to my doctors, a vitamin d efficiency can worsen depression. So every Friday, I have to take a pill (yes, another medication for me to take on top of all that I already take). It’s a Vitamin D pill, apparently 50,000 mgs, which is why I can only take it once a week. I was curious why I couldn’t just get over the counter vitamin d supplements, but apparently, my vitamin d levels are seriously low, and I need huge doses to bring it back up. But maybe this is a good thing. Because maybe my depression won’t be as bad after my vitamin d levels get back up.

But apparently, that’s not the only concern about my bloodwork. My cholesterol levels are too high, apparently. So now I have to be on a diet. (Doritos are a no-no). So now I’m trying to replace that with Triscuit crackers, which is mostly wheat I think. I’m trying to cut down on pop as well, drinking water, V8 juice, etc. My doctor was like, “You’re still young, so if you change your habits now, you can turn your health around”.

My thoughts about all these new health problems? “Typical” is the first word that comes to mind. And I suppose it doesn’t help that I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day either. Christ. I hope once my vitamin d levels are back up, it’ll resurrect some of my motivation and drive, and maybe I’ll get my big ass up and go back to the gym once or twice a week. I like smoking, so, I don’t know what I’m gonna do about that. Maybe I can switch to vaping?

But I do have a nugget of good news. I think I may know what I want to go for. As much as I like writing poetry and publishing poetry books, I realize it’ll never pay the bills. Nothing much will probably ever come of it, and I’ve come to peace with that reality. But I’ll still publish books though. Anyways, I was thinking that I really like animals, and maybe I could work at an animal shelter. I mean, I could just live off disability my whole life, and it’s nice to know that I have that security net to fall into if I screw up, but I’d like to make yet another attempt, to try to make my own money, and find a job that won’t trigger my illnesses.

Anyways, everyone have a nice day.

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