When you have depression, it’s hard to think clearly. It’s difficult to decide what you want to do. About anything. Even the simplest choices require much hesitation and even when a choice finally gets made, you become absolutely certain you’ve made the wrong one. And everything will feel wrong from then on out, and that’s when I feel like hiding.
I know I write about depression and mental illness a lot. But it’s such a big part of my life, I feel like if I don’t talk about it then I’m not really being me. I don’t know all who reads my blog, hopefully it’s attracting likeminded people who can see finally that they’re not alone. I’m not a saint or anything. I’m just trying to live my life in the best way I know how. And something tells me that I should try to connect with people who are like me. Because after dealing with my illnesses for years now, I have slowly begun to understand that people who are mentally ill, are kind of like a whole other race of people. People who don’t have what we have, don’t understand why we feel the way we feel, and it kind of creates a sense that we’re not liked very much. Because we seem strange, or act funny. Only somebody else who suffers as like we do understands why we are the way we are. I’ve began to see this recently.
One thing that is hard to control, is the flurry of emotions I feel on a regular basis. I mean I can change from sad, happy, energetic, groggy, horny, irritable, restless, or worried to something else in a second for no reason at all. When I went off my meds in 2012, it was way worse. I was so angry. Like the meds had been hiding rage away from my surface and burying it deep down inside me. I just remember being so angry. About anything. A simple thing like a commercial on TV would make me cry. Then I’d get angry about crying or something. Sad, angry, sad, angry, depressed. I mean, do people with no mental illnesses have these fluctuating moods? I often wonder.
I like having Megan around. She keeps me from floating away too far. She makes sure I’m always taken care of, and I always try to make sure her needs are met. Megan brings a stability to my life that is required quite frankly, to halt me from drifting into bad situations I never intend to be a part of, but my carelessness will lead me into. She always makes sure I am taking my meds, always makes sure I eat, and will always question any moves I make. I need that. That’s why I married her. She is truly my best friend. She has her flaws, nobody is perfect. But hell, I’ve lived with imperfection my whole life, so it doesn’t really phase me anymore when there’s an issue to be dealt with. She is very clingy, and does not like being away from me for long periods of time. Any normal guy would have grown tired of this after awhile. But it works for me, and I don’t mind it most of the time. Nothing in my life has ever been normal. So normalcy is something I don’t even expect anymore. As a matter of fact, it drives me away. Anything that seems normal kind of scares me off. Because I know it isn’t for me, and I won’t fit in with it.
Anyways. That’s all for now.