We all find our ways to keep on keeping on. Reasons, purposes, etc. Sometimes the way we carry on with our lives doesn’t agree with everyone else’s idea of what is respectable. But not everyone can operate on the same level of others, some of us can only handle so much before stressing out.
I’ve been all over the place this whole week. I’ve been to Wal-Mart, Aldi’s, Dollar General, doctor’s appointments, etc. And every time I have to leave the house, the stress starts setting in, and my energy begins to drain. I told my doctor about this. He called it “a trigger”. Unfamiliar with what a trigger is, I looked it up. It just basically means what sets us off, kicks our anxieties into high gear. And yes, leaving the house, having to interact with anyone else outside of this house or being out in society does “trigger” me. But I don’t remember it always being this severe. I mean, it’s not severe to the point where I can’t go to the store and pick up a few things, but it’s severe enough that I’m totally stressed out when I get back, and feel like I have no energy left for the remainder of the day. I feel like people stare at me when I’m out and about. Like they’re judging me or looking at me like I’m just so fucking weird or something. And, just being out amongst strangers in general is just…uncomfortable. I think I remember it always being tough, but I think it’s gotten worse. I feel like I’ve given up on people, on taking chances. There are a few things only that bring me comfort anymore: my video games, horror movies, music and being at home. Anything else will trigger me. I need a few days worth of doing nothing. Then I’ll be right as rain.
Been playing Dead To Rights on my PS2. I’ve completed three games since I returned to the PlayStation 2. Dead To Rights is okay, I never got to play it back in the day, but it’s alright. Nothing overly special, but it’s a game, and I intend on completing it. The great thing about being back in PlayStation 2 is that most of the games are so cheap now. You can find them for good prices on Amazon.
I’m just surviving, and trying to maintain that. I have conditions, I manage them the best I can. I’m going to try to make some progress this year. Like maybe finally learning how to drive. Maybe. I just feel so inadequate to everyone else my age because they have made it further up the ladder. I feel like I’m just kind of floating down at the bottom here. But maybe this is where I’m supposed to be? I just need to make peace with it.