01/25/2017 8:57 AM

Up kind of early this morning. I only slept for six hours, but I just felt awake. And here I am, sitting in this chair, playing potfarm on facebook, listening to music, just thinking. Or trying not to think. Thinking too much is my problem. Doesn’t help my depression to dwell on things past, but it gets hard to not think about them when those things have changed your life so much. I guess the other day I went on a rant in front of my mom and wife, and they saw that I wasn’t feeling too good. You know what cheered me up? A bag of fucking Doritos. Ha. And just venting my frustrations helped too.

Recently though, I had bloodwork done. Apparently, I have a Vitamin D efficiency. According to my doctors, a vitamin d efficiency can worsen depression. So every Friday, I have to take a pill (yes, another medication for me to take on top of all that I already take). It’s a Vitamin D pill, apparently 50,000 mgs, which is why I can only take it once a week. I was curious why I couldn’t just get over the counter vitamin d supplements, but apparently, my vitamin d levels are seriously low, and I need huge doses to bring it back up. But maybe this is a good thing. Because maybe my depression won’t be as bad after my vitamin d levels get back up.

But apparently, that’s not the only concern about my bloodwork. My cholesterol levels are too high, apparently. So now I have to be on a diet. (Doritos are a no-no). So now I’m trying to replace that with Triscuit crackers, which is mostly wheat I think. I’m trying to cut down on pop as well, drinking water, V8 juice, etc. My doctor was like, “You’re still young, so if you change your habits now, you can turn your health around”.

My thoughts about all these new health problems? “Typical” is the first word that comes to mind. And I suppose it doesn’t help that I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day either. Christ. I hope once my vitamin d levels are back up, it’ll resurrect some of my motivation and drive, and maybe I’ll get my big ass up and go back to the gym once or twice a week. I like smoking, so, I don’t know what I’m gonna do about that. Maybe I can switch to vaping?

But I do have a nugget of good news. I think I may know what I want to go for. As much as I like writing poetry and publishing poetry books, I realize it’ll never pay the bills. Nothing much will probably ever come of it, and I’ve come to peace with that reality. But I’ll still publish books though. Anyways, I was thinking that I really like animals, and maybe I could work at an animal shelter. I mean, I could just live off disability my whole life, and it’s nice to know that I have that security net to fall into if I screw up, but I’d like to make yet another attempt, to try to make my own money, and find a job that won’t trigger my illnesses.

Anyways, everyone have a nice day.

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01/15/2017 11:08 PM

When you have depression, it’s hard to think clearly. It’s difficult to decide what you want to do. About anything. Even the simplest choices require much hesitation and even when a choice finally gets made, you become absolutely certain you’ve made the wrong one. And everything will feel wrong from then on out, and that’s when I feel like hiding.

I know I write about depression and mental illness a lot. But it’s such a big part of my life, I feel like if I don’t talk about it then I’m not really being me. I don’t know all who reads my blog, hopefully it’s attracting likeminded people who can see finally that they’re not alone. I’m not a saint or anything. I’m just trying to live my life in the best way I know how. And something tells me that I should try to connect with people who are like me. Because after dealing with my illnesses for years now, I have slowly begun to understand that people who are mentally ill, are kind of like a whole other race of people. People who don’t have what we have, don’t understand why we feel the way we feel, and it kind of creates a sense that we’re not liked very much. Because we seem strange, or act funny. Only somebody else who suffers as like we do understands why we are the way we are. I’ve began to see this recently.

One thing that is hard to control, is the flurry of emotions I feel on a regular basis. I mean I can change from sad, happy, energetic, groggy, horny, irritable, restless, or worried to something else in a second for no reason at all. When I went off my meds in 2012, it was way worse. I was so angry. Like the meds had been hiding rage away from my surface and burying it deep down inside me. I just remember being so angry. About anything. A simple thing like a commercial on TV would make me cry. Then I’d get angry about crying or something. Sad, angry, sad, angry, depressed. I mean, do people with no mental illnesses have these fluctuating moods? I often wonder.

I like having Megan around. She keeps me from floating away too far. She makes sure I’m always taken care of, and I always try to make sure her needs are met. Megan brings a stability to my life that is required quite frankly, to halt me from drifting into bad situations I never intend to be a part of, but my carelessness will lead me into. She always makes sure I am taking my meds, always makes sure I eat, and will always question any moves I make. I need that. That’s why I married her. She is truly my best friend. She has her flaws, nobody is perfect. But hell, I’ve lived with imperfection my whole life, so it doesn’t really phase me anymore when there’s an issue to be dealt with. She is very clingy, and does not like being away from me for long periods of time. Any normal guy would have grown tired of this after awhile. But it works for me, and I don’t mind it most of the time. Nothing in my life has ever been normal. So normalcy is something I don’t even expect anymore. As a matter of fact, it drives me away. Anything that seems normal kind of scares me off. Because I know it isn’t for me, and I won’t fit in with it.

Anyways. That’s all for now.

 

 

01/13/2017 7:23 PM

We all find our ways to keep on keeping on. Reasons, purposes, etc. Sometimes the way we carry on with our lives doesn’t agree with everyone else’s idea of what is respectable. But not everyone can operate on the same level of others, some of us can only handle so much before stressing out.

I’ve been all over the place this whole week. I’ve been to Wal-Mart, Aldi’s, Dollar General, doctor’s appointments, etc. And every time I have to leave the house, the stress starts setting in, and my energy begins to drain. I told my doctor about this. He called it “a trigger”. Unfamiliar with what a trigger is, I looked it up. It just basically means what sets us off, kicks our anxieties into high gear. And yes, leaving the house, having to interact with anyone else outside of this house or being out in society does “trigger” me. But I don’t remember it always being this severe. I mean, it’s not severe to the point where I can’t go to the store and pick up a few things, but it’s severe enough that I’m totally stressed out when I get back, and feel like I have no energy left for the remainder of the day. I feel like people stare at me when I’m out and about. Like they’re judging me or looking at me like I’m just so fucking weird or something. And, just being out amongst strangers in general is just…uncomfortable. I think I remember it always being tough, but I think it’s gotten worse. I feel like I’ve given up on people, on taking chances. There are a few things only that bring me comfort anymore: my video games, horror movies, music and being at home. Anything else will trigger me. I need a few days worth of doing nothing. Then I’ll be right as rain.

Been playing Dead To Rights on my PS2. I’ve completed three games since I returned to the PlayStation 2. Dead To Rights is okay, I never got to play it back in the day, but it’s alright. Nothing overly special, but it’s a game, and I intend on completing it. The great thing about being back in PlayStation 2 is that most of the games are so cheap now. You can find them for good prices on Amazon.

I’m just surviving, and trying to maintain that. I have conditions, I manage them the best I can. I’m going to try to make some progress this year. Like maybe finally learning how to drive. Maybe. I just feel so inadequate to everyone else my age because they have made it further up the ladder. I feel like I’m just kind of floating down at the bottom here. But maybe this is where I’m supposed to be? I just need to make peace with it.

 

 

 

1/02/2017 1:15 AM

“You coming to bed yet?” my wife Megan asks. “Don’t feel like it” I told her.

Night is a strange time for me. The darkness is comforting to me. I think it’s the feeling of being hidden, cloaked from the rest of the world. This blanket of black covers my insecurities and illnesses up, making me blank. But in the dark, sadness remains. That’s never going away. But at least nothing and no one can see this ugliness. I enjoy silence in the early hours of a morning. It’s quiet, and untainted by noise or talk. I can enjoy the flicker of a candle on the bed stand as I write this, without interruption. I may play some music if I choose to. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.

One thing is for certain: the writing “mood” strikes hard in the late hours. It always has for me anyways. Something about the nothingness, the dark corners, the silence, all of it, seems to spark a fire in me.

All my life, I’ve always felt different. I certainly don’t feel that I am your typical male. I don’t compulsively look to add notches to the belt, I don’t feel the need to start trouble to entertain myself, and I no longer feel the need to make friends. I honestly believe that I’m too far out for a lot of people. I’ve met maybe two people who understood where I’m coming from. And I don’t see them anymore, so…yeah. I suppose it could be my illnesses that contribute to my weirdness. I don’t remember everything they’ve diagnosed me with, but the few I do remember are : Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, High Anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Sometimes I’ll use a site called blahtherapy and talk with other people anonymously about my problems, and vice versa. For the most part, the site really helps. Sometimes it can be disheartening to spend a good hour talking to someone on there just for them to suddenly disconnect from the conversation because they don’t knw what to say once you’ve spewed out your issues and whatnot. Some of them just flat out can’t believe that that all happened to one person. It’s like trying to tell someone that your house burnt down on Christmas morning, nobody will believe it because it sounds too sad to be true or something and people just assume you’re making it up to get a pat on the back. But it did absolutely happen, to me and my family, thirteen some years ago. Just like all the shit that’s happened to me, has really happened. But it’s not like I don’t understand.

But anyways, like I was saying, I’ve always felt like I was different. Even when I tried or do try to be apart of the crowd, I still feel so unexplainably out of place. If there is a place or group of people with whom I truly fit in with, I’ve yet to find it or them. The closest group of people I’ve found easiest to get along with are Juggalos, which if you don’t know what they are, google it because it takes too much explaining. But I don’t run into too many where I live, and any I do find just give me a whoop whoop and they’re on their way. I understand though. People got things to do, little time to sit around and make friends.

I’ve always felt like I’d be good on a Paranormal Exploration team. Like go into haunted places and record findings or whatever. But that’s been done to the death now, and probably isn’t much room for anything new in that field. I could see my self working at a used CD store, but those are becoming somewhat of an oddity nowadays, since all anyone ever does anymore is steal music off the internet. Not me though. I like having the CD, the case, the booklet, all of it. I’m a collector. I enjoy that stuff.