Work and brainstorming has begun on a novel I think. I’m exposing myself to all kinds of influences that inspire new ideas, and I’m collecting it all to mold a story. Not poems, but a traditional novel. The process is slow, and I’m taking my time with it. All I can say for certain is that it’s most likely going to belong in the horror genre. Probably won’t be finished any time soon, but it’s happening for sure.
Meanwhile, my fourth book of poems is coming along nicely. I basically have the theme for it set, and the tone and whatnot. I feel that it is accurate with how I’m feeling nowadays, and it’s relevant enough to be a body of poems.
So, we’re reaching the edge of another New Year’s Eve. Party! uh…not really. Not for me anyways. I’ll just stay home and do what I normally do. Just another day, really. Boring I know, but I never said I was an exciting person. Quite the contrary actually. I’m more about taking it easy and sticking to what I know. Does that sound like old age creeping in? Oh lord. The transformation is happening. Can I just skip the mid life crisis though? It sounds like a terrible time in one’s life and I’ve had enough terrible times to last a lifetime already.
Not much else to say right now.
You know, even though they’ve been around for 20 plus years, I’m only now discovering the band Garbage. I’m listening to them right now, and I have to say, I dig their sound. I guess they put out a new album just this year, called Strange Little Birds, and it’s really good. Then I started listening to the older stuff like “I Think I’m Paranoid”, “Only Happy When It Rains”, and I’m absolutely just intrigued. I’m sure I’ve heard of them before, but why I’ve never given them a chance until now is ridiculous. Better late than never I suppose. I guess they are one of those bands that didn’t sell out, which is something I respect on a deep level. So this Christmas Eve, I’m rocking out to some Garbage!
So everything hasn’t been too bad lately. I recently sold my PS4, and bought a PS2 again. I currently have three games, but I’m going to keep building up my PS2 library, and I even have some new ideas floating around my ol’ noggin. I want to buy an Elgato Game Capture so I can record my gameplay on the PS2 and make more videos for my YouTube channel. I know I don’t have a lot of subscribers or viewers, but that isn’t the most important thing to worry about. What’s important that it makes me happy to upload videos for people to watch and enjoy if they want. That’s what it’s all about. It’s the same thing with my poetry books, I write them because I enjoy doing it, and it’s there for people to enjoy.
So first, I have to get the stuff I need to make all that happen. I’ll get on that. Keepin’ busy.
So I’ve been pretty depressed for awhile. Bored, nothing is satisfying. Like nothing at all. I’ve thought about maybe setting up an appointment to see my therapist, but why? He isn’t going to tell me anything I don’t already know. And I don’t know how to express how I’m feeling lately. I daydream about going back to the gym, and giving up smoking again, but I just can’t find the motivation to do it. I don’t know how to steer myself anymore. I feel like I’m stuck in place, and I there isn’t anywhere to go anyways. I’m lost.
One of our kittens, Lilly, went with an elderly couple yesterday. I guess they wanted some companionship, a pet. And I have to say, they picked the right one. Lilly is so sweet and cuddly all the time, always purring. I guess her husband had 3 strokes and said he wanted a cat for his lap when he’s sitting in his wheel chair. I was sad to see Lilly go, but I know those folks will give her a good home. So that’s one kitten out the door. Now there’s three left. Well, really only one. Mom’s keeping the calico, and me and megan want the male for our bedroom. That only leaves the black and orange female kitten, whom we named Midnight. She’s the wildest of the litter, always picking fights with her siblings. I imagine Midnight would be great out on a farm, chasing mice in barns, running around and being wild.
I’m feeling so underwhelmed and unsatisfied with everything lately. Not even a new video game is holding my interest anymore. The selection of movies on netflix seem sucky, and music is kind of looking mediocre as well. I mean, I have tons of CDs, but I’m bored with them. I have a PS4, but I’m bored with it too. But I still use them, day after day, pretending that they’re still fulfilling me, when in truth, they aren’t. I mean, what do I do? I don’t know how to tell my wife about it, because honestly, I don’t want to put her in a position to give an answer that she doesn’t have. How would I even tell her? “Hey babe, I’m bored to shit of everything and I’m not sure what to do about it, what should I do?” I wouldn’t have an answer for me either. I’m unsatisfied with things. Tough shit, Chad. Life is bullshit, you should know this by now. Shut up, listen to your music, play your games, take your pills, and go to bed. Lather, rinse, and repeat.