I’m always wiped out after going somewhere. My wife Megan had an appointment with our worker who is helping her get started on a career path. Megan wants to try to be a teacher’s assistant for disabled children. I’m making sure to give her the support she needs, because I am actually very proud of her for making an effort to do something she believes she can do. Whether she goes through with it or not, does not matter. She’s trying out the waters, see. And that means she looking for something, trying to find it. If she’s trying, that’s a victory. It is important to praise her for that.
So anyways, while Megan was filling out papers and whatnot, I walked around the town square and ran some errands for my Mom. She needed a couple bags of tobacco and cigarette tubes (she rolls her own). And then I made my way to the dry cleaners to pick my puffer vest and winter coat up, because the zippers had been busted on both for awhile, and it’s starting to get really really cold outside now, and I’m going to need them. The walk around the square was chilly and wet, but I enjoyed showing off my new Lex The Hex Master hoodie I got from twiztidshop.com a day or so ago.
I’ve only smoked two cigarettes today. Just two. And that’s a huge improvement from the typical 15-16 I usually smoke everyday. I don’t want to quit completely, because I do enjoy a good smoke. But I want to definitely cut back big time. I’m talking maybe 4-5 cigarettes a day from now on. But see thing is, stress. Anxiety and depression. Two conditions which I suffer from. And when those things get kicked into high gear, all I want to do is hide away and smoke like a chimney in winter time. I also suffer from borderline personality disorder, and PTSD. And those are just added to the recipe of chaos that tornadoes it’s way through my head on a daily basis. It’s not always severe through. It’ll feel like I have it under control for a few months, and I’ll make progress on myself during that time like going to the gym once a week, drinking water instead of pop, etc. But after I have a couple of good months, it feels like it was just a phase that has run its course, and it’s back to the default mindset of hiding away from the world because it’s cold and cruel and littered with cheaters and liars with no remorse for the people they hurt. I am a very up and down person.
In the last few months, it felt like my anxiety was at an all time high, with no particular reason why; the tiniest things would put me on edge. So that’s when I realized that maybe my anxiety is a much bigger problem than I thought. So my psychiatrist prescribed me a new medicine, called Buspirone, and I take it twice a day. I think it helps. Megan seems to think so. I don’t feel as on edge all the time like I used to, so maybe it is working? Only thing I don’t like is that with this new medicine, it brings the grand total of pills I take a day up to 3 and a half. I take one and a half pills of zoloft everyday (150 mg), can take up to 75 mg of vistral a day but just one usually unless I’m really stressed out, and now Buspirone 5 mg pills. But I think I’m going to ask my psychiatrist if we can increase the Buspirone, because even though I’m not as on edge, I still wonder if it can get better.
Well, Smackdown Live is on soon. Should be good tonight.