04/08/2017 3:49 PM

Oh fun. The landlord may be nice, but he forgot to mention something before we moved in here: that there was a bug problem. I wish it were ants, fleas, or even cockroaches. But noooooo,  it just had to fucking be bedbugs. We’ve had to deal with this once before in a different apartment building we lived in years ago. We thought we shook loose of these little bloodsuckers’ grip. And we did. But now, here we go again. God almighty. Not this again. You know how hard these little bastards are to get rid of? We’ve been here only a week. ONE WEEK. And this is happening already.

But you know what? I don’t care anymore. Whether it’s bugs, or people, or bad luck, there’s always gonna be something unpleasant going on in our lives. It just never ends. As long as we’re playing the game of life, we have to put up with the little annoyances it throws at us. It really does feel like a huge middle finger in my face. It doesn’t piss me off like it used to. I’ve just grown accustomed to this kind of thing. If there’s a first or last place, You can bet I’ll be in last place. It’s just the way it is. I guess.

Now Megan’s upset. She gets bit up by these little bastards more than I do, and it does create an oppressive feeling in your home. Especially in the bedroom, because that’s where they like to feed on you mostly. She’s being real quiet and distant. And I’ve been with this woman for 5 years now, I know what it means when she gets quiet. It means she’s depressed. Luckily, she’s married to me, someone who is all too familiar with the heavy influence of depression and it’s effects. Cuddling and letting her cry on my chest usually makes her feel better in 15 to 20 minutes.

04/06/2017 10:37 AM

It’s been a little while since I’ve put in an entry. Time to start keeping up.

A little bit has changed. We moved out of my mom’s house, got our own place again. Thank the heavens too, because having your wife and your mother under the same roof for too long has unpleasant results. But that aside, we’re on our own again, and it’s a pretty nice place. Small apartment, but it’s perfect for two people.

When we got our internet installed here, we decided to not go through our ISP for cable. We need to cut corners where we can to save money, so we’re using SlingTV to get our cable TV, only 25 bucks a month, you can’t beat that!

Have I mentioned Bella yet? She is our cat. We finally found our pet, one that is right for us. And believe me, she’s getting spoiled every day! But she’s been getting more lovey dovey since we’ve moved here. I think it’s because she can sense there’s no other cats around so she feels like she’s the only one for us. Which she is.

Got support group today at the mental health center. I’ve been getting better at going to those, instead of just staying home every Thursday. I’ve been contemplating about possibly going back to therapy with my counselor, but I just don’t know. Not sure what I’d say. I still see my psychiatrist every month for my meds, but I haven’t seen my therapist in months. Just not sure anymore how much help it actually does.

Anyways, good news on the health front! I quit smoking again, I think for good this time! I’m vaping now, so I’m still getting nicotine, but without all that other junk they put in cigarettes nowadays. This is my second month vaping, and it works. So I wanna keep that up.

My next book of poetry is taking shape. I’m finally starting to FEEL what it’s about. You writers know what I mean by that. I like to have a theme, a story being told in my poetry books. I want it to be about what I’m feeling as I grow and age more in a particular era of my life. So my 4th book is being written, but as with all my works, I take my time. I won’t rush anything out there, not until I’m sure it is what I want it to be.

 

02/16/2017 12:22 AM

The last month has been eventful.

Been to the doctor a few times. They did some blood cultures on me and discovered that my cholesterol is high, and that my Vitamin D is low. According to the doctors, low Vitamin D levels can worsen symptoms of depression for the people who suffer from it. Things like decreased motivation and the like. So now I’m taking a large dose of Vitamin D once a week. And I do mean LARGE. Large like 50,000 mg. I have been slowly noticing a few changes. I’m a little more active than usual. Not much more, but enough to where it’s noticeable. Going outside and watching the dog run around on the leash, doing yard work on my own incentive. Stuff like that. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but it actually is improvement for me.

The high cholesterol thing. With lowering cholesterol comes with a diet change. No more junk foods. (I still eat junk foods, but a lot less now). Instead of chips, I eat wheat thins. Drink more water than pop. Buy the low fat variants of foods, like cheese, sour cream, and all that. When we went food shopping this month, I wasn’t prepared for how tough it is to find food you like that is diet sensitive. Me and Megan love having tacos for dinner twice a month. We always drain the grease out of the meat, but the shredded cheese and sour cream we have always bought is apparently too high in cholesterol, so we got to dig around in the dairy aisle at Wal Mart looking for a brand of cheese that is low fat. It’s kind of a slim selection.

I’ve quit smoking again too. It’s been ten days since my last one. My Doc put me on the 14mg Nicotine patch to help me. It’s been easier than expected, however, around midnight, like it is now, I get the urge to go sit out on the porch and have a quiet smoke break under the moon. But I can’t do that now. So I have to fight that urge. I should probably go to bed.

 

01/25/2017 8:57 AM

Up kind of early this morning. I only slept for six hours, but I just felt awake. And here I am, sitting in this chair, playing potfarm on facebook, listening to music, just thinking. Or trying not to think. Thinking too much is my problem. Doesn’t help my depression to dwell on things past, but it gets hard to not think about them when those things have changed your life so much. I guess the other day I went on a rant in front of my mom and wife, and they saw that I wasn’t feeling too good. You know what cheered me up? A bag of fucking Doritos. Ha. And just venting my frustrations helped too.

Recently though, I had bloodwork done. Apparently, I have a Vitamin D efficiency. According to my doctors, a vitamin d efficiency can worsen depression. So every Friday, I have to take a pill (yes, another medication for me to take on top of all that I already take). It’s a Vitamin D pill, apparently 50,000 mgs, which is why I can only take it once a week. I was curious why I couldn’t just get over the counter vitamin d supplements, but apparently, my vitamin d levels are seriously low, and I need huge doses to bring it back up. But maybe this is a good thing. Because maybe my depression won’t be as bad after my vitamin d levels get back up.

But apparently, that’s not the only concern about my bloodwork. My cholesterol levels are too high, apparently. So now I have to be on a diet. (Doritos are a no-no). So now I’m trying to replace that with Triscuit crackers, which is mostly wheat I think. I’m trying to cut down on pop as well, drinking water, V8 juice, etc. My doctor was like, “You’re still young, so if you change your habits now, you can turn your health around”.

My thoughts about all these new health problems? “Typical” is the first word that comes to mind. And I suppose it doesn’t help that I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day either. Christ. I hope once my vitamin d levels are back up, it’ll resurrect some of my motivation and drive, and maybe I’ll get my big ass up and go back to the gym once or twice a week. I like smoking, so, I don’t know what I’m gonna do about that. Maybe I can switch to vaping?

But I do have a nugget of good news. I think I may know what I want to go for. As much as I like writing poetry and publishing poetry books, I realize it’ll never pay the bills. Nothing much will probably ever come of it, and I’ve come to peace with that reality. But I’ll still publish books though. Anyways, I was thinking that I really like animals, and maybe I could work at an animal shelter. I mean, I could just live off disability my whole life, and it’s nice to know that I have that security net to fall into if I screw up, but I’d like to make yet another attempt, to try to make my own money, and find a job that won’t trigger my illnesses.

Anyways, everyone have a nice day.

01/15/2017 11:08 PM

When you have depression, it’s hard to think clearly. It’s difficult to decide what you want to do. About anything. Even the simplest choices require much hesitation and even when a choice finally gets made, you become absolutely certain you’ve made the wrong one. And everything will feel wrong from then on out, and that’s when I feel like hiding.

I know I write about depression and mental illness a lot. But it’s such a big part of my life, I feel like if I don’t talk about it then I’m not really being me. I don’t know all who reads my blog, hopefully it’s attracting likeminded people who can see finally that they’re not alone. I’m not a saint or anything. I’m just trying to live my life in the best way I know how. And something tells me that I should try to connect with people who are like me. Because after dealing with my illnesses for years now, I have slowly begun to understand that people who are mentally ill, are kind of like a whole other race of people. People who don’t have what we have, don’t understand why we feel the way we feel, and it kind of creates a sense that we’re not liked very much. Because we seem strange, or act funny. Only somebody else who suffers as like we do understands why we are the way we are. I’ve began to see this recently.

One thing that is hard to control, is the flurry of emotions I feel on a regular basis. I mean I can change from sad, happy, energetic, groggy, horny, irritable, restless, or worried to something else in a second for no reason at all. When I went off my meds in 2012, it was way worse. I was so angry. Like the meds had been hiding rage away from my surface and burying it deep down inside me. I just remember being so angry. About anything. A simple thing like a commercial on TV would make me cry. Then I’d get angry about crying or something. Sad, angry, sad, angry, depressed. I mean, do people with no mental illnesses have these fluctuating moods? I often wonder.

I like having Megan around. She keeps me from floating away too far. She makes sure I’m always taken care of, and I always try to make sure her needs are met. Megan brings a stability to my life that is required quite frankly, to halt me from drifting into bad situations I never intend to be a part of, but my carelessness will lead me into. She always makes sure I am taking my meds, always makes sure I eat, and will always question any moves I make. I need that. That’s why I married her. She is truly my best friend. She has her flaws, nobody is perfect. But hell, I’ve lived with imperfection my whole life, so it doesn’t really phase me anymore when there’s an issue to be dealt with. She is very clingy, and does not like being away from me for long periods of time. Any normal guy would have grown tired of this after awhile. But it works for me, and I don’t mind it most of the time. Nothing in my life has ever been normal. So normalcy is something I don’t even expect anymore. As a matter of fact, it drives me away. Anything that seems normal kind of scares me off. Because I know it isn’t for me, and I won’t fit in with it.

Anyways. That’s all for now.

 

 

01/13/2017 7:23 PM

We all find our ways to keep on keeping on. Reasons, purposes, etc. Sometimes the way we carry on with our lives doesn’t agree with everyone else’s idea of what is respectable. But not everyone can operate on the same level of others, some of us can only handle so much before stressing out.

I’ve been all over the place this whole week. I’ve been to Wal-Mart, Aldi’s, Dollar General, doctor’s appointments, etc. And every time I have to leave the house, the stress starts setting in, and my energy begins to drain. I told my doctor about this. He called it “a trigger”. Unfamiliar with what a trigger is, I looked it up. It just basically means what sets us off, kicks our anxieties into high gear. And yes, leaving the house, having to interact with anyone else outside of this house or being out in society does “trigger” me. But I don’t remember it always being this severe. I mean, it’s not severe to the point where I can’t go to the store and pick up a few things, but it’s severe enough that I’m totally stressed out when I get back, and feel like I have no energy left for the remainder of the day. I feel like people stare at me when I’m out and about. Like they’re judging me or looking at me like I’m just so fucking weird or something. And, just being out amongst strangers in general is just…uncomfortable. I think I remember it always being tough, but I think it’s gotten worse. I feel like I’ve given up on people, on taking chances. There are a few things only that bring me comfort anymore: my video games, horror movies, music and being at home. Anything else will trigger me. I need a few days worth of doing nothing. Then I’ll be right as rain.

Been playing Dead To Rights on my PS2. I’ve completed three games since I returned to the PlayStation 2. Dead To Rights is okay, I never got to play it back in the day, but it’s alright. Nothing overly special, but it’s a game, and I intend on completing it. The great thing about being back in PlayStation 2 is that most of the games are so cheap now. You can find them for good prices on Amazon.

I’m just surviving, and trying to maintain that. I have conditions, I manage them the best I can. I’m going to try to make some progress this year. Like maybe finally learning how to drive. Maybe. I just feel so inadequate to everyone else my age because they have made it further up the ladder. I feel like I’m just kind of floating down at the bottom here. But maybe this is where I’m supposed to be? I just need to make peace with it.

 

 

 

1/02/2017 1:15 AM

“You coming to bed yet?” my wife Megan asks. “Don’t feel like it” I told her.

Night is a strange time for me. The darkness is comforting to me. I think it’s the feeling of being hidden, cloaked from the rest of the world. This blanket of black covers my insecurities and illnesses up, making me blank. But in the dark, sadness remains. That’s never going away. But at least nothing and no one can see this ugliness. I enjoy silence in the early hours of a morning. It’s quiet, and untainted by noise or talk. I can enjoy the flicker of a candle on the bed stand as I write this, without interruption. I may play some music if I choose to. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.

One thing is for certain: the writing “mood” strikes hard in the late hours. It always has for me anyways. Something about the nothingness, the dark corners, the silence, all of it, seems to spark a fire in me.

All my life, I’ve always felt different. I certainly don’t feel that I am your typical male. I don’t compulsively look to add notches to the belt, I don’t feel the need to start trouble to entertain myself, and I no longer feel the need to make friends. I honestly believe that I’m too far out for a lot of people. I’ve met maybe two people who understood where I’m coming from. And I don’t see them anymore, so…yeah. I suppose it could be my illnesses that contribute to my weirdness. I don’t remember everything they’ve diagnosed me with, but the few I do remember are : Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, High Anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Sometimes I’ll use a site called blahtherapy and talk with other people anonymously about my problems, and vice versa. For the most part, the site really helps. Sometimes it can be disheartening to spend a good hour talking to someone on there just for them to suddenly disconnect from the conversation because they don’t knw what to say once you’ve spewed out your issues and whatnot. Some of them just flat out can’t believe that that all happened to one person. It’s like trying to tell someone that your house burnt down on Christmas morning, nobody will believe it because it sounds too sad to be true or something and people just assume you’re making it up to get a pat on the back. But it did absolutely happen, to me and my family, thirteen some years ago. Just like all the shit that’s happened to me, has really happened. But it’s not like I don’t understand.

But anyways, like I was saying, I’ve always felt like I was different. Even when I tried or do try to be apart of the crowd, I still feel so unexplainably out of place. If there is a place or group of people with whom I truly fit in with, I’ve yet to find it or them. The closest group of people I’ve found easiest to get along with are Juggalos, which if you don’t know what they are, google it because it takes too much explaining. But I don’t run into too many where I live, and any I do find just give me a whoop whoop and they’re on their way. I understand though. People got things to do, little time to sit around and make friends.

I’ve always felt like I’d be good on a Paranormal Exploration team. Like go into haunted places and record findings or whatever. But that’s been done to the death now, and probably isn’t much room for anything new in that field. I could see my self working at a used CD store, but those are becoming somewhat of an oddity nowadays, since all anyone ever does anymore is steal music off the internet. Not me though. I like having the CD, the case, the booklet, all of it. I’m a collector. I enjoy that stuff.

 

12/30/2016 10:59 PM

Work and brainstorming has begun on a novel I think. I’m exposing myself to all kinds of influences that inspire new ideas, and I’m collecting it all to mold a story. Not poems, but a traditional novel. The process is slow, and I’m taking my time with it. All I can say for certain is that it’s most likely going to belong in the horror genre. Probably won’t be finished any time soon, but it’s happening for sure.

Meanwhile, my fourth book of poems is coming along nicely. I basically have the theme for it set, and the tone and whatnot. I feel that it is accurate with how I’m feeling nowadays, and it’s relevant enough to be a body of poems.

So, we’re reaching the edge of another New Year’s Eve. Party! uh…not really. Not for me anyways. I’ll just stay home and do what I normally do. Just another day, really. Boring I know, but I never said I was an exciting person. Quite the contrary actually. I’m more about taking it easy and sticking to what I know. Does that sound like old age creeping in? Oh lord. The transformation is happening. Can I just skip the mid life crisis though? It sounds like a terrible time in one’s life and I’ve had enough terrible times to last a lifetime already.

Not much else to say right now.

12/24/2016 2:25 PM

Merry Christmas.

You know, even though they’ve been around for 20 plus years, I’m only now discovering the band Garbage. I’m listening to them right now, and I have to say, I dig their sound. I guess they put out a new album just this year, called Strange Little Birds, and it’s really good. Then I started listening to the older stuff like “I Think I’m Paranoid”, “Only Happy When It Rains”, and I’m absolutely just intrigued. I’m sure I’ve heard of them before, but why I’ve never given them a chance until now is ridiculous. Better late than never I suppose. I guess they are one of those bands that didn’t sell out, which is something I respect on a deep level. So this Christmas Eve, I’m rocking out to some Garbage!

12/19/2016 7:52 PM

So everything hasn’t been too bad lately. I recently sold my PS4, and bought a PS2 again. I currently have three games, but I’m going to keep building up my PS2 library, and I even have some new ideas floating around my ol’ noggin. I want to buy an Elgato Game Capture so I can record my gameplay on the PS2 and make more videos for my YouTube channel. I know I don’t have a lot of subscribers or viewers, but that isn’t the most important thing to worry about. What’s important that it makes me happy to upload videos for people to watch and enjoy if they want. That’s what it’s all about. It’s the same thing with my poetry books, I write them because I enjoy doing it, and it’s there for people to enjoy.

So first, I have to get the stuff I need to make all that happen. I’ll get on that. Keepin’ busy.